I like to prepare for disappointments.
I never have high expectations of anything hence I’m never (overly) disappointed. Same goes for rejection. I like to know my place at every point in time. I like to be fully armoured before embarking on any note – worthy project. It goes without saying, I cannot handle rejection well. Of course, life usually happens. Life revels in being bossy.
For the past couple of weeks now, I’ve been ruminating over the Farafina Creative Writing Workshop which I decided to apply for, this year. Again, it wasn’t a wholehearted decision. In my head, it was an established fact that I wasn’t good enough for any special considerations. For now. I haven’t written anything mind blowing that requires the attention of veterans. Overtime, I’ve been unconsciously following (read: stalking) the works of previous attendees and one thing was certain: I’ve got nothing on them. My work wasn’t even close. This realization dawned on me quickly but came with its downsides of course. Anything I was gonna send as a sample must be at par with any of them. I had saved myself some anxiety and set an imaginary standard based on the works of the Farafina alumni. Naturally, I went digging through the blog and found nothing. The next time, I tried again after subtle pressures from a certain young man and my mother of course (why did I tell her again?), I managed to find one. Fair. Decent. Manageable. At least, if I’m rejected, it wouldn’t be for a lame piece. That was two weeks ago.
It’s not like I can’t write something new. Problem is, it wouldn’t be as good as writing without the Farafina pressure. I have my moments when I’m completely in my element and the words flow effortlessly. Usually, when that happens I have the best results.
No, I do not have an esteem problem. I like to be honest with myself and face facts. So, it’s not an issue of not believing in myself (trust me, I’m my biggest cheerleader and critic) , it’s an issue of not having a good enough sample to send.
Let’s see what the next 19 days bring.