1. Solitude can be downright dangerous
2. Having a sense of independence does have its downsides.
About three years ago, I started this blog because I wanted to find myself. For some vague reasons, I outgrew most of my old friends and took up solitude. I became a recluse. I also found out that I could seamlessly withdraw from others and just exist without external influences. So, I took refuge in this blog and wrote my heart out. It actually worked. I watched myself evolve from this sheltered teenager into this young woman with a sense of independence. I liked what I saw. Then, I got better at writing and took up the profession. Unfortunately, my social life still suffered. During that period, I barely made a handful of friends because I was super cautious about the people I let into my life. They had better be worth it. Still, I had a few people in my life. But the problem with that kind of lifestyle is that I began to exist in a bubble. Whenever, I felt out of sorts, they weren’t able to help me. I had gone wayy past the generic “You’ll be fine.” or” Talk to me, how are you feeling?” So, I just went on existing, numb to my feelings hoping it would go away. I recently began to have these episodes. They became regular. This meant that I was constantly in a foul mood and generally aggressive. Little things annoyed me. No, it’s not PMS. Worst still, I couldn’t write. No matter how quiet the environment was, it just didn’t work. This, of course leads to a rising frustration.
The problem with being independent – not depending on anyone for anything – is that, it gets so bad that you don’t allow anyone do anything for you. You always want to chip in your quota and generally don’t need anyone to go out of their way because you can do it yourself perfectly. I like to do things for myself. I take pride in getting results of my handwork. Better still, if I like something and I can afford it, the merrier. I do not believe in waiting for someone to get something I like for me except it’s a gift. I would not ask you pointblank that I want this. Rather, I’d save up if I can’t afford it at the moment. This made me reflect on my upbringing. I did not do a lot of asking growing up. I was generally a contented child. Not because we couldn’t afford it, I was just unfazed by a lot of things. I’m afraid that has spilled into my adulthood. The problem with that is, it began to take a toll on my relationships. All through my previous relationships, I don’t think I remember ever actually asking for anything. All of things I got were gifts. They basically used their initiative. But would I always be lucky? Would I always meet someone that isn’t offended by my non-asking? Does it make him less of a man if I do not desire to ask him for anything? Does it hurt his ego? Frankly, I don’t know. I’ve never really thought about it. I’ve also never asked.
In my head, my solitude and independence(what else can I call it?) are somewhat related. I’ve been trying to find a correlation. The result is this post.