During my restitution in Church on Sunday, one of the questions asked was,
”Are you happy?”
I stopped for a moment to think before answering. Obviously she was referring to my relationship with God(majorly), personal life and whatnot.
And I replied;
”No I’m not”
[That was the sanest reply I could come up with]
Over the past year, I’ve reached a level/state of contentment especially since there’s so much going wrong in my life (literally) at the moment. I’ve gone from euphoria to anger to paranoia to complacence all in a split second even to the point of doubting and mistrusting God.
It’s been a rollercoaster of sorts. I don’t think I know what happiness means anymore. Then again, maybe it comes with the territory.
I have gotten to a point of total surrender so to speak. I figured if things were the way they are, it’s probably God’s will so I stopped fighting it. I think for a minute, I needed to make that acknowledgement. I told myself I wasn’t gonna get myself worked up or beat myself up over any damn thing because eventually it was not worth it!
But all that didn’t work, I still got depressed; on the most in important day in the year for that matter. The aura that came with hitting a landmark didn’t even make any difference. Depression became a default mood, snapping out on a few occasions, throwing tantrums at who and whatever( my mother had absolutely no clue. She probably thought it was PMS), wearing dull colours just because and keeping my distance completely from everyone. I wasn’t gonna allow anyone bear the burnt of my anger with God. How considerate!
I couldn’t explain all this to this stranger in front of me. All I could come up with was that I was content which was the truth. I kept ruminating over that question searching for at least an iota of happiness somewhere in my life and you know what I found?
The last time I checked I haven’t been on admission in more than 10 years. The last been a major accident when I was 7.
Protection from ALL sorts
Considering all that’s been happening, I think it would be highly ungrateful of me to underrate this.
My mother, especially my mother.
Truth is I might not be the ”epitome of happiness” but I’m content. I’m not envious or guilty of comparing myself to others even though I still fall short or wallowing in self-pity.
No, I’m content and I think that’s all that matters.