Depression is real.
For the first time in my entire life I was depressed. If anyone had told me at the beginning of the year that I would be battling depression mostly likely before, during and after my birthday, I would have instinctively told them off.
It was my birthday
I was turning 21
What other reason did I need to snap out? A mean, this was something I had been looking forward to. I was so glad that I wasn’t surrounded by people that day. It probably wouldn’t have made any difference instead they would have had to put up with my crankiness. Dunni couldn’t understand why I initially picked an extremely dull colour to wear that day. She didn’t understand that that outfit reflected my mood. She didn’t understand that it wasn’t something I could easily snap out of. Depression is as real as it got. My makeup was a hot mess and I managed a fro-awk out of my bantu-knot out. I simply wasn’t in the mood for frivolities. The best part was that I was left alone. Everyone had one commitment or the other. My folks and siblings were out. I sat at home to reflect on how I got to that point. After a while, I realized that nothing was gonna change the way I was feeling. I even doubted the efficacy of prayers.
Now I understand that there’re different levels of depression and mine was initially the first on the list which is the mild depression but eventually transited to moderate as it began affect my appetite,routines and overall well being.My mother thought I was just unnecessarily but deliberately rude and manner-less. Poor her!, she had to bear the entire burnt. I didn’t even allow her take pictures with me or anybody else for that matter. She definitely knew something was wrong and the only way she could help was by offering unwarranted and unsolicited lectures.
There was pretty much no one to talk to. Dunni thought I was making it all up so I didn’t bother explaining. Tolu tried to some extent….he helped me feel better subsequently.
The only thing my mind was saying was, ”Yes that’s what you get from becoming a recluse”. Really, like my reclusity is the catalyst for my depression. So much for solace.
No I didn’t see a doctor. What I needed over that period of time was someone to listen to,console me, look into my eyes and say that cliche statement, ”you’ll be fine”. I needed someone’s shoulder to cry on. But, I cried regardless. It actually helped to some extent.
You what my coping mechanism was? Yeah, it eventually went away. I read voraciously. I read 25 books in two months and I didn’t stop until now. The more I read, the better I felt. I read during the day and at night. I had almost 50 books and I was determined to exhaust them. I also wrote. I made sure I was swamped with work such that I didn’t entertain depressing thoughts.
So guys, you need to pay attention to those around you. Trust me, the warning signs are there. No one just cared enough to notice mine. Sometimes, what we need is just a listening ear nothing more before it generates to full blown depression.
Just so you know, I’m feeling a lot better now even though I’m still searching for my happy place which I know I will find soon because I really am a happy person. I’m not gonna let depression reduce me.
Love, peace and happiness