Where do I start from?
Believe me when I say that I’ve been contemplating this from the beginning of the month. I had to get into it somehow. Anyhow. Which is part of the reason I stayed away from featuring on folks’ end of the year reviews, the other being discomfort in putting my self out there. It’s 2014 and paranoia has refused to take a back seat.
Anyways, I thought about how to go about this; usually I just start however it flows and then it takes a particular shape or I divide the whole review into various aspects of my life, tackling each after the other. I clearly have a thing for coherence; I feel impelled to write something I can read over. That’s what happens to my best works. Re-reading my own words is a form of therapy. But I’m so lethargic right now,I might just lean towards the latter.
2014 in a word.
2014 was the year of treadmills, dumbbells and renewed gym memberships. As much as I’m allergic to trends, I couldn’t help but jump on this one. A mean it’s for a good course after all. Suddenly, I was spending more time in front of the mirror, trying to spot and figure out those imperfections I could correct by workouts and by that I mean jumping jacks, planks and jump roping. I was determined not to leave the comfort of my home. I figured if it was gonna be consistent, then it had to be convenient. That was the only way it could work. Then I started and enjoyed it while it lasted. I never knew I was so rigid. Scratch that! I always knew; just never did anything about it. It was good for me actually and then I stopped when my jump rope broke. All motivation went out the window. That was February. I didn’t order a new one until last week.
The plan at the beginning of the year was to get a study partner;someone to follow through and hold me accountable. I could not do it on my own. My value system was still in tact but slowly losing my relationship with God. This year, I basically held on and stuck to the hem of His garment with zero progression. I’m still there. And then after so much pressure, I got baptised almost drowning in the process and then changed church afterwards after hopping for a while. I couldn’t stand their judgemental and hypocritical attitude. I had to leave. I’m glad I did.
I have a rather infamous reputation – in my house at least – for ignoring my health. Like I just go on and on without stopping plus I am anaemic so I have to pay for it somehow eventually. A mean I couldn’t constantly live on meds so I kept playing hide and seek.
And then I broke down……completely…. during the ebola crisis.
Gosh! I was so scared. I thought I was gonna die. My mother kept staring at me with pitiful eyes, ”Ebun don’t do this” like I was in control of my illness. And then I got better and vowed never to take my health for granted ever again.
I wrote a bit this year; for myself and others. I got a job. I basically went up to her and pitched myself. I got it… without any hassle. 6 months later, I thought of doing the same again for a higher position. I updated my resume and began typing an application email. My words failed me and I tossed it in the
trash draft folder.
Am I qualified enough?
Do I have the requirements?
Do I need to take a course on Udemy?
…..and on and on and on.
This year, I almost deleted this blog. I wrote an entire post on my frustrations and like every other bad idea, it self distructed. I had to go back to the drawing board.
Why am I writing?
Who am I writing for?
Who am I trying to impress with my work?
Amazing how simple questions like this help put things into perspective. I’m not totally recovered, I still harbour those thoughts every now and then. But you know what they say; baby steps.
I expected to have grown so much more professionally; at least that’s part of my life I still have a bit of control over. I bonded with other photographers; bagging the title of the shortest female photographer Mr Seun had probably ever seen but it didn’t help matters as it just made me feel worse.
I did not have a DSLR.
I tried not to think to much about it; instead I occupied myself with other things but it almost always came up.
At the moment, I don’t feel so bad anymore. Everything good and more will come. Safe to say that I’m aiming towards the entire package.
No, I do not have a social life and just so we’re clear, it’s not about to change anytime soon. Now that I think of it, I think I made a total of two new friends this year. Well, technically one. I’m not exactly sure of my stance with the other.
I did not keep in touch.
I’m just so horrible at communication and unfortunately it’s not getting any better no matter how much I try.
It feels like the phrase of extensive phone calls is over.
Plus, there was just so much going on and I wasn’t interested in talking.
What did I do for fun this year you might be wondering?
I spent about half of my time /salary in the movies strutting in from one hall to the other. Yeah. I literally had an allocation for movies in my budget.
The other half was spent globetrotting through 40+ books. You damn sure I had fun.
I had the worst semester ever this year. The invigilator literally had to ask me to go over my work and then I threw it in her face and worked out of the hall. I was exhausted and frustrated… not exactly the best combinations.
Other than that,
This year, I turned 21 and got depressed in the process.
I also got into a relationship after a rather long hiatus and before I could say Edward Cullen, it was over like it never happened. All I know is, I’m never making spontaneous decisions ever again.
I tried to attend related events and network with folks in my niche. It was good while it lasted but I’m still not sure if I’m gonna make a habit of it.
At the end of the year, a few things are clear:
i. I have a love-hate relationship with music. I can literally count the number of times I listened to music all year.
ii. I might never comes out of this shell of mine. I feel like I’ve evolved to this point and the light at the end of the tunnel is not exactly visible.
iii. I realise that I do not have a support system so whatever happens I’m gonna have to bear the burnt alone. Hopefully, I do not crash and burn anytime soon. It just so hard to find people with kindred spirits and to be honest, I haven’t been looking(well).
iv. Right now,it seems like I’ve been able to wean myself off my social media/internet addiction; a detox of sorts. I’ve equally mastered the act of ‘unlooking‘ so much that I’m less affected by what people tweet or post about. By so doing I’m less likely to seek instant gratification. I just need to find a way to safely redirect all -or the lack thereof- of my energy.
v. I’ve finally accepted that I have a hard time letting people read what I write. Inasmuch as I love the satisfaction that feedbacks bring, I’m never gonna be fine in that vulnerable position. And it’s beyond natural hair and lifestyle. After my near-deletion blog experience, I realised that contrary to the norm of blogging for an audience, I write for myself and then share what I wrote for myself. Two entirely different things. And because my blog is online, people will stumble on it. That’s why I’m not so bothered with stats and campaigns. As long as I can come up with a bunch of words that make sense.
vi. Recently, I had an epiphany of sorts. I tried my hands on something I’ve been thinking of and after two batches, it surprisingly came out well and the idea of a business became feasible. Now the word ‘business‘ alone puts me off totally simply because I do not think I can handle it or have the personality to sustain it. But after the rather impressive trials, I’ve decided to indulge myself. So 2015 is gonna be about more trials and errors until it reaches near-perfection.
The year has been quite uneventful, mostly filled with periods of nothingness and a few remarkable ones. It has been a blur; one of those years that pass that don’t necessarily need inventories.
Of course, I’m looking forward to the new year but right now, I’m not thinking so much about it.